It's been a long time since I last wrote and I have been inspired lately to think about TIME. Probably because it's been a month since I left New York, another long and painful 3 months before I will next see him; or because I just watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons" and a theme that came forth strongly was "time"; or because I have lately been struck by how I failed to seize the time and share or talk more to an uncle who just passed away due to suicide. All that has been happening in the last month or so made me wonder a lot about time.

Since returning from the States, I really took a while to recover emotionally and come to terms with being back. The whole hurry of life flooded in and almost drowned me. Something I was not used to, at least not during the 3 weeks of traveling and enjoying the time spent with someone and people I love. But it got progressively difficult when I struggled a lot with missing him. It got me started on my "countdown to Nelson's return" program. Still later, it became rather unhealthy. It made me upset every other time we talk that he is miles away, living in a different time zone and basically not physically present when I needed him to be. That was probably the start of things becoming emotionally challenging.

I resented the fact that we have to live with this time apart. Every bit of my rational mind tells me this is good and God has ordained a time as this to strengthen us. But every bit of my heart scorns at that and wish that it did not have to be so difficult. So much of my thoughts of the relationship centered around the past (the times we enjoyed at the States) and the future (when he eventually returns). But it was not long before God had to stop me and made me rethink.

One was through the untimely death of an uncle of mine. He has been suffering for depression for years and just during Chinese New Year, he took his life. I was rather shakened by it and I remember crying as I was telling Nel about yet another person I know who has entered into a Christless eternity. I thought a lot about why I did not seize the opportunities that I had to talk to him or just to show him some care. I thought about how I took him for granted and just somehow expected him to do well. I thought again about the meaning of carpe diem. I wished I had known better what to do with the TIME I had with him.

Another was the excellent movie "The curious case of Benjamin Buttons". To avoid being a spoiler, it shall suffice to say that it made me think about time and the preciousness of the present moment. Even if time really can be turned back and we really can grow younger, it does not change the truth that we still live in the present moment and we live it to its best, to seize the day.

And that reminded me of the wise words of CS Lewis that left such an impression in my life.
"The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which our Enemy has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them. He would therefore have them continually concerned either with eternity (which means being concerned with Him) or with the Present—either meditating on their eternal union with, or separation from, Himself, or else obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure.
Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present. With this in view, we sometimes tempt a human (say a widow or a scholar) to live in the Past. But this is of limited value, for they have some real knowledge of the past and it has a determinate nature and, to that extent, resembles eternity. It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time—for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays. Hence the encouragement we have given to all those schemes of thought such as Creative Evolution, Scientific Humanism, or
Communism, which fix men's affections on the Future, on the very core of temporality. Hence nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead. Do not think lust an exception. When the present pleasure arrives, the sin (which alone interests us) is already over. The pleasure is just the part of the process which we regret and would exclude if we could do so without losing the sin; it is the part contributed by the Enemy, and therefore experienced in a Present. The sin, which is our contribution, looked forward."
- CS Lewis, Screwtape Letters (context: Of a senior devil counseling his junior nephew devil how to deal with his human object)

Indeed, how true it is that the Past and the Future ever so often cripples us or distracts us. And when I choose to spend my present moment living in the past or worrying or pining for the future, it is one precious moment wasted on what has no value. In the same degree, all my energy spent on missing the days past and yearning for the days to come means there is little of me left to enjoy the present moment with the one I love. He no longer has all of my heart and attention to enjoy the present joy of talking to him. And so God gave me a very sobering reminder that I have fallen for the very traps sin and the devil has laid for me.

In the same fashion, I believe God longs for us to enjoy the present moment of walking with Him. When we waste too much time wishing that things were like the good old days when we were young and full of passion for Him, or when we spend the energies worrying about what the future holds, God is looking gently at us and say, "My child, I am here in the now."

I have become convicted lately that that is what Sabbath is about and what Sabbath does. Sabbath forces me to stop working and stop worrying and to take time to smell the roses (or Lilies & Jasmines which I very much prefer ;p). Sabbath forces us to rethink what time really means and how the present (a gift from God, pun intended ;p) is to be lived. Sabbath

May the Lord give us present grace to live the present life in a pleasant way for His eternal glory.



Steven Curtis Chapman - Miracle Of The Moment
From the album This Moment (Dear, thanks for the very lovely gift - It's a CD that has blessed me tremendously)

It’s time for letting go
All of our if only’s
‘Cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

Chorus:
So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment

There’s only one who knows
What’s really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go
Listen to your heartbeat

Some glimpses of the special moments...

Awe-inspiring Grand Canyon that makes you feel the vastness of God's world


Serving the homeless together joyfully


Unforgettable ice-skating at Central Park when I saw real snow in flakes for the first time


Sweet fellowship with my spiritual parents


Niagara Falls - the place & time where every moment onwards is now different & wonderful

I just got back from a long day of work. It's again one of those days when I "work" from 9 am to midnight. "Work" because sometimes my work is so enjoyable I am not sure it feels like work. This week has been plagued with late nights and yet God strengthened me for the right times. Maybe a bit too much sometimes cos I tend not to be able to get to sleep. But the theme of this week seems to be on "mistake".

I met a friend who was having relationships problems. And her boyfriend said something to the effect that God wouldn't let us get together to break us up. That statement struck me. I could not disagree more. I guess the not so Calvinist (sorry if you are offended) part of me am upset that people attribute everything to God's work to the extent that we no longer bear the responsibility of our own mistakes. Why could it not have been that for my friend, being in a relationship was a mistake in the first place? Did the fact that it happened meant that God wanted it to?? Maybe sometimes we fear having to admit to mistakes. Because we live in a world where people cannot tolerate mistakes or that we cannot bear with the consequences of our mistakes. Yet, to shove all the responsibility on God is not only bad theology but irresponsible one.

This is where I think when Christians present to others the reality that God is sovereign, we paint an incomplete picture that causes the instinctive response or question "If God is sovereign, why is there so much suffering?"

I will not attempt to answer that question, suffice to say that I think when we ask that question, we often overlook the reality of sin and its consequences on the world. If God is sovereign, can I make mistakes? Of course! Because I sin. Because I am a sinner. Surely sinners make mistakes. And so I think however much I believe God is sovereign, I know I can still act outside of His will and sin against Him.

How then does God look upon mistakes? Does he just look helplessly at them and shakes His head or shrug His shoulders? Surely you would agree with me that it will be quite incompatible with our understanding of God. I don't think He does. That leads me to my second encounter with mistakes. Lately, I have had to confront certain mistakes I have made in my life. I may consider them big mistakes because they affect others, they brought pain and hurt to people I care about. With the best of intentions (if that is even possible), I have hurt people with my mistakes. And I carry with it the guilt of having cause hurt to others. I wondered if I will ever be able to move on from my mistakes.

But I think guilt that weighs us down are not from God. Godly sorrow leads to repentance and repentance leads us to forgiveness and liberty. Christ had died not only to free us from the wages and consequences of sin but also the guilt of it. There is now no condemnation. And for all the mistakes we have made, God redeems it and has the power to make something beautiful out of it. It is quite hard to see how God can and has redeemed my mistakes but when I take a different perspective and see the mistakes that others have made towards me, I see something quite different. I rejoice that some of these mistakes have been made because but for the pain and hurt I had suffered, I would not be the person that I am today. And I reckon God had been using these events in my life to shape and mold me in Christ-likeness. I think we should all be changing, from glory into glory, in conformity with the image of God.

That really brought about a paradigm shift. These people who have wronged me or hurt me probably never expected it to become a blessing in the end. But that's because it is not their job to make good their mistakes. It was God's work. And I think part of moving on from mistakes is to exercise faith that God can and has to be the one to right the wrong. The more I meddle with it, the messier things get. So while a sovereign God does not cause us to make mistakes, we make them and God clears the mess.

I guess having such a perspective of mistakes in life allows me the grace and faith to allow others to make mistakes as well. I've learnt that much of being a staffworker requires that stance. I told Lester today that I believe in student initiative not because it is a FES's sacred cow but because I believe that God works through students. And a part of letting God do His work among students is to let them have the room and freedom to make mistakes. Because I have learnt much from mistakes, I think God's grace is big enough to encompass and redeem these mistakes. Trusting the students necessitates letting them make mistakes. And I thank God that I do not have to be God and redeem all these mistakes. He has been all these years I have been a staffworker and I have more than enough confidence that He will continue to.

To end off my reflection, I love the analogy of the amateur painter. As we are learning the art of painting, we probably make a mess out of things. Wrong colors, wrong shapes, wrong proportion. So many things can go wrong. But when the Master Painter comes along, He will take over and touch up a bit here and there and suddenly there you have it - a lovely piece of art! The best artists are able to incorporate all the bad starts into the final work and it will look at flawless as if He was the one painting it all along. And I think our Abba Father is like the Master Painter - only more able and more loving. =)

I have recently done something I am amazed I had the courage to do. I tendered my resignation from Ngee Ann Poly. If you have been in touch with me, you will know that I absolutely love teaching. Not only do I get to teach a subject I enjoy and help students understand their world a little better, I have been so blessed by my interactions with these students. They have been God’s instruments in keeping me sane amidst the crazy busyness in my life. They bring such joy and frustrations, laughter and heartaches. They have been a piece in a jigsaw puzzle that helps me make better sense of my life in God’s world.


One of my classes in the last batch that makes me sigh as much as they make me laugh.

Teaching in Ngee Ann has opened up my eyes to see the brokenness and needs of this world. So many students have come to me and shared their troubles, their brokenness, their fears, their loneliness. In each of their eyes, I see a story. And the best thing about my job is the opportunity to see how their story fits into God’s grand story of the world and how God has a message of hope and life for them.

Teaching in Ngee Ann has also opened to many doors for me to help these young students see a ray of hope in someone and Someone who sees them as unique and precious and believe in the reason for their existence.


Teaching in Ngee Ann has helped me learn that one person can make a difference. One teacher who bothers to listen to one student, one teacher who reaches out in acceptance of one student, one teacher who believers her student’s worth is not measured by his grades. Maybe one person cannot change the world. But imagine if there are 10 such persons, 100 persons. Imagine if every single Christian is living a life that impacts their corner of the world. Then maybe we can see what Jesus taught us to pray for “Thy Kingdom come”. God may not have called of us to be William Wilberforce or Martin Luther King. But God has called me to be a faithful Jasmine, and in so being, the world is changing and God alone sees.

Clearly it was very painful for me to leave teaching. But I believe it is also a necessary step of faith as God leads me into a new chapter of my life. I believe I need to return to legal practice to appreciate what it really means for me to be a Christian lawyer who is counter-culture. I also am using this decision to honour my parents who have waiting for this day. I have sent in my application to be a part-time practitioner in a local firm. I trust that God who calls will open the doors. What I lack and need is faith to step through.


The very funny notsofunnians. I will miss them most.

I am really looking forward to Christmas. Other than it being my favorite season of the year, with the nice cool weather and the Christmas shopping and giving and receiving of gifts, it is also a time of rest and spending time with people you love. This year, it is no exception, I was looking forward to this Christmas period and welcome it with much delight.

That led me to think whether people in the past looked forward to Christmas—not just 25 Dec but the birth of Christ. One Christmas carol touched me with the words— “Long laid the world, in sin and error pining”. It is probably without a doubt that the people of Israel were looking forward to Christ. They were eagerly waiting deliverance and liberation from their promised Messiah. But I think that the rest of the world, without necessarily knowing it, is also pining for Christmas. Why? Because without the hope of Christmas, this world does not make sense. If we have been aware for long enough, we will realize that this world in itself gives us little to hope for. A world of brokenness and sin, a world of darkness and injustice. If we fail to see it, may I be so bold to suggest that it means you are not looking. Your world is very small. Made up of your own interests, your friends and family. Beyond our comfortable world lies a world that it trapped in sin and suffering. Beyond our world is a world of wars, hungers, famines, poor and oppressed.

Perhaps Christmas is only really attractive to those who are not comfortable in this world. To those who have much to hope for. For those who are pining for something better, for the coming of a new kingdom. That is what makes the good news good news. Christ’s coming to the world is good news only to those who want to see change.

The truth is, Christ did come. Emmanuel, God is indeed with us. The joy of the festive season will pass us by ever so quickly. Christmas celebrations will come and will go. All too soon, we will have to return to the mundane activities of life and get by. But that is tragic isn’t it? Because the truth of the coming of Christ did not truly fill us with the ecstasy of knowing HOPE for the world and for us. Because Christ’s coming did not altogether radically change the world we are in. Because much like the wise men of the East, we have presented our gifts and gone home. Instead may we be like the shepherds, upon returning, to continue in a state of glorifying and praising God.

This Christmas season may again be for you what its name suggest– just a season. But it need not be. If the glorious truth of Christmas strikes out heart and transforms our lives, we can end the Christmas celebrations with more celebrations—celebrating the awesome truth that God has, is and will be dwelling among men. And with that, continually look forward to the day when Christ comes– again.


Dad's 55th Birthday on 5 Dec


Compare and contrast


VCF Annual Teach-In Conference 2007


Being fed in all senses at Anntic


My adorable cousins who visited from Australia


Cousin Power

In the light of the many recent premature departures of friends, loved ones, and even strangers, I think this quote is a very timely reminder. May we all start considering what is it that really matters? To thank God that we are alive.

There is such a thing as taking ourselves and the world too seriously,
or at any rate too anxiously. Half of the secular unrest and dismal,
profane sadness of modern society comes from the vain idea that every
man is bound to be a critic of life, and to let no day pass without
finding some fault with the general order of things, or projecting some
plan for its general improvement. And the other half comes from the
greedy notion that a man's life does consist, after all, in the
abundance of things that he possesseth, and that it is, somehow or
other, more respectable and pious to be always at work trying to make a
larger living, than it is to lie on your back in the green pastures and
beside the still waters, and thank God that you are alive.

Henry Van Dyke


p.s. The streets of heaven are said to be paved with gold ;p

By my best friend in loving memory of Serene:

You are gone,
and we won’t know what to think.
When we see your empty desk
tomorrow.
What will we feel in the
space, where you laughed,
you whined, you cried, you
lived?

You are gone,
and I don’t know what they’ll think.
When I see the empty grave
everyday,
I will remember your lovely
face, with him, where you laugh
and sing and grin and
live.

You are there,
caught up, in his light, in the air:
you are there.

It is extremely difficult in a time like this to write a post. But this is really long overdue and since God has placed it upon my heart for some time, I should get down to it. Lately, I have been thinking about how one person can make a huge difference. I think while most of us accept rationally this to be true, we never quite think we, as an individual, can make any difference.

It started with me chatting with a friend about global warming and how if each person will make a choice to make some sacrifices or suffer some inconveniences. And I believe if that were to happen, it can shape the world.

Then I went to play basketball one Sunday afternoon at CCAB. Another group of people asked to play against us. One of their players was rather arrogant and marked every one of his moves, whether he caught the ball or shot or passed, with vulgarities. And the worst part was when the game was over and someone asked where he was headed, he said he was going to church. When I firt saw the cross hanging on his neck, I thought it was just decorative (as is the case with many young people today). And one of my friends who is very skeptical about Christian religiousity said, "there you go, does it make any difference whether one goes to church?"

Then I started thinking about the ONE persons who shaped the world and made all the difference. How William Wilberforce inspired me with his battle against slave trade. Yet how one Hitler can cause the death of so many Jews. One person really can make a difference.

But the most painful way I came to realise this was when I received news of my friend passing away today while at labour. My heart is still heavy as I write this. But I know I have to give the message of hope. When I first heard the news, I was just shocked. But when I settled down and thought about this sister, I had regrets. I regretted letting her just pass me by last sunday when I saw her. I regretted taking her presence for granted. I regretted not having smiled at her more or talked to her more.

But I also thought about her life. I thought about her simple faithfulness. She has been a Sunday School teacher for years. And it just dawned on me how tiring it must be for a school teacher to be teaching even on Sundays. But she remained faithful even when she was carrying a 2nd child and having a daughter running around. And though she strikes many of her students as a stern teacher, I found in her a kind of gentleness and love for her students. I mean that must be what kept her in teaching for so many years. Once again, I realise one person does make a difference.

I told a dear friend that God does speak through one's life and one's death. And I think this time, He spoke to many people around me through the sudden death of this sister. When we are faced with the fragility of life, many things get placed in perspective. And so it struck me that this one lady, one sister, one friend made a difference in this world with the time God has given her. She may have left the world without knowing this. But what brings hope is also the assurance that when I meet her again, I can tell her this. And we will have all eternity making up for the lost opportunities to get to know her better.

So it is true. All you need is ONE is not just some tagline. One person can make a difference. The only question is what kind of difference do you want to make? What kind of impact do you leave with the lives you live? May this question be answered before we no longer have the opportunity to. I thank God for Serene because her one life has touched others.

Today, I finally caught Freedom Writers and of course, under the most ideal circumstances - with my students. I mean, I thought it was really cool to watch a show like that with my students. And in my mind, I was thinking I shall definitely get my dad to catch this movie. Maybe then he will get an idea of what I am doing and why I am "wasting" my life in teaching.


But I love the movie also because it was once again inspiring. I thank God that with every new semester, I have something like this to remind me why I do what I do. Because when the going gets tough, it is easy to forget. But I agreed with Erin Gruwell. I do not know if I can make such an impact with every batch of students that comes along. For the sem that just past, some of these students have become my friends and maybe family (right brother ;p). Yet, I know I cannot expect every semester to be like that. I can only trust that God will give me such gifts of friendships at His appropriate time and ways.


Once again, I see in the movie what people need. People need hope. Maybe it was more apparent in the ghettos of America, amidst the violence and racial wars. But I believe here in Singapore, the young people need hope too. They need a reason to keep on living and keep on fighting. And every person needs to know that they are unique and they are special. And every person wants to be remembered when they die. And my dream in being a teacher is to be a bearer of that message of hope. But I know full well that that cannot be segregate from God. For the source of my hope, I believe, can and will also be the source of hope for others. At least for me, I have tried and found no other way. No other reason to keep on and living and fighting safe for the One who is worth it all.

Recently, something has saddened me quite a bit. A few occassions that happened around the same time, made me ashamed that Christians are not quite reflecting God. I was disappointed because I felt that I could not see Jesus through the lives of Christians or through so called evangelistic meetings. But just as I was quick to spot all the specks in others, God was also quick to alert me to the plank of my own eyes. I think people around me, maybe especially my family and dad does not see Jesus in me. All he probably sees is an impatient irritable young girl who does not have the patience to hold a proper conversation with him. I hide the glory of my good Lord with my own ugliness.

At the staff retreat just a week back, I remember someone talking about becoming transformed into the image of Jesus. And that's when His character and beauty and glory becomes so apparent in us that people actually want to worship us. Of course, the idea is not that we eventually get the glory. But that we so truly and naturally allow people to see Jesus in us that they get to encounter and meet Him through us. And I suppose the incarnate Son, is what that is about. Jesus Himself said that no one has seen the Father, but he who has seen the Son has seen the Father. And I believe, he who has seen a true child of God who lives for Him, can catch glimpses of God the Father.

And so maybe we, the Church, we who call ourselves Christians have much to apologise to non believers for. We need to apologise for how we hide God as He is. We need to apologise for the many times we misrepresent Him. Maybe for many non believers, what they need to is to see beyond religion in order to truly see God. God is so real and so awesome, if only we being to see it and reflect His beauty in our lives.


BBQ with the lecture group

Celebrating birthdays in school

God is gracious indeed. Just as I was sitting here sulking and hurt, He brought to me through the words of Palmer Parker a better understanding of myself and my frustrations. I guess the "proud angelic" side of me was wanting to move the world on my own. Having started to see some fruits of my labours of love, I have become conceited, thinking that I can change the world with my love. What folly! I wanted to alleviate human suffering and I tried to care. But the result of my folly was as in the story of "The Angel and the World's Dominion" by Martin Buber. And this is the conclusion: "The world must be nourished with decay and covered with shadows that its seeds may bring forth - and it is this, that souls must be made fertile with flood and sorrow, that through them the Great Work may be born."

My very dear friend told me just recently that perhaps the cause of some of my hurts and bitterness is because I have too much pride in my niceness or acceptance by people. That I try so hard to earn their approval and acceptance that when I lose it, it crushes me. How true that wounds of a faithful friend is better than the kisses of an enemy. But such realisations of yourself are difficult. Coming to terms with the sinfulness within is hard. But that is very often the starting point of healing and of change.

I may have 'done' a lot lately for people and hoping that in some ways, their lives may be touched. But I thank God that the real action is often not what we are doing to the world around us but what we are doing to ourselves. Every action involves self-transformation. That at the end of the day, I gain the most because such experiences, good or bad, loved or rejected, I am changed and I am humbled.

So I realise that every single comment I have received from people have their parts to play. From the "you are such a great lectuter" to the "Jus bcos u are like tt, does not mean other ppl have to do the same" that whole range of statements that had the power to make or to break, all helped contribute to who I am becoming. The words of praise from people help give us the affirmation that we all need. The words of pain brings us constantly to a realisation of who we are - broken sinners. And we need both in our lives. We need often affirmation as much as we need rejections and reprimands. Because just as seeds grow as a result of nurture and care as well as decay and death; we too grow as a result of the love and care people shower on us as much as the hurts people inflict on us.

So kisses and wounds alike, thank you for being to me a true friend..









Thank you all for both affirmation and brutal honesty, for both hugs and slaps, for both carrots and sticks.. Love you all..

Today, I had a rude awakening. That maybe I was wrong. That just because you go all out to bring love into this world does not mean you can change the way the world is. That love does not compel us or woo is to do something we do not want. I had too much confidence in love per se. And then I realise that I forget I do not live in a perfect world. And as my dear friend puts it, we live in a graceless world where struggle to find God's grace.

It is so hard when you realise such truths about life. Because it is painful. Because what you have spent so much time building up crushes at one go. Maybe it is tempting to blame it on whoever crushes your hopes. But I think I can only blame it on the fact that we remain sinners and selfish people. That we all subconsciously try to protect ourselves from hurt. And in building up walls of protection, you inevitably hurt those who are trying to break in.

So for now, I am tired. It is time for hibernation and time to return to my cave to hide. It is high time anyway. I guess this is God's answer to my request to let me feel again. To let me be aware of how deep in my heart I need Him and Him alone. That deep within, only He can heal, He can restore and He can give hope. It is high time I stop believing in stupid love songs. No one can really always be there. And I shall stop thinking I can too.

我一直都在 - 林稷安/程于倫

遥望着你背影　有孤單太蒼白　
我多麼想陪着你　走過人山人海

當天空變灰白　你的憂傷澎湃　
我多麼想走近你　緊鎖的心海

我一直都在　你身後等待　
等你有一天　回過頭看我
我的笑送給你希望你快樂　妳的難過都給我
關於你的一切我都好好收藏着
我一直都在　你身後等待
等你有一天　能感覺到我
就算我在你世界渺小像一顆塵埃
我也會給你我所有的光和熱

我鼓起勇氣吶喊　你要聽的見
我不許你再孤單　要你擁抱我給的溫暖

“The Need to Win”

When an archer is shooting for nothing
He has all his skill.
If he shoots for a brass buckle
He is already nervous.
If he shoots for a prize of gold
He goes blind
Or sees two targets –
He is out of his mind!

His skill has not changed. But the prize
Divides him. He cares.
He thinks more of winning
Than of shooting –
And the need to win
Drains him of power.

I can across this poem while reading Parker Palmer’s “The Active Life”. And I thought how true this is. I think about the times when I play basketball and how having nothing to prove frees me to just enjoy the game and play my best. That indeed, is the only way one can enjoy any work or activity, because it gives us the freedom to. Our need to achieve something or prove something or just having something to work for, may cause unnecessary pressure that robs us of the joy and freedom of the activity itself.

Perhaps this is why I enjoy teaching more than staff work. Both are hard work and both have their challenges. But when I teach, perhaps because I am the youngest teacher and also adjunct, I feel that I have nothing to prove and nothing to achieve. Not even my students’ good results. I teach not because I need them to achieve 100% pass rate, but I teach because I love them and enjoy the process of guiding them through their learning process.

On the other hand, with staff work, there is pressure. There is no need to prove anything but at the back of my mind, there is a need to be a good staff worker and a need to have done something useful and good. Maybe it is a sub-conscious fear that people are watching me and waiting to see what good work I am doing. Maybe it is just my imagination. Maybe it is a self-imposed pressure that is causing me to constantly think that I am doing nothing worthy in the ministry. And perhaps what God wants to bring to me is the freedom to live and love. The freedom from the need to DO something or BE somebody. And only then can I truly serve God and labor for Him alone, without feeling the need to prove something to the people who support me or watch me. And only then can I derive joy in service that is independent of whether I feel I am actually doing any good work at VCF. I pray that as I can apply this freedom that comes from surrender in basketball and blading and teaching, that I will all the more surrender in the one thing that means so much to me, my life and my work.

Something else I read really encouraged me in what I am doing:
"One reason that we sometimes have bad teaching our schools, teaching that does not touch and transform students, is that teachers are sometimes paralyzed by unexamined fears. They fear the ridicule of young people, the exposure of their own ignorance, the generational conflict of values, the loss of control. The authoritarian methods that bad teachers use - methods that put vast and arid distances between students and teachers and subjects - are unconscious attempts to keep these fears at bay. If such teachers understood themselves and their fears better, the result might be teaching that comes from within the teachers' self-knowledge and that makes learning into a live encounter once more."

I am so thankful when I read this, that God has me that grace to meet my own fears and not be crippled by them. That He has given me the courage to choose radical teaching that is not confined by the fears most teachers have. And I thank God for the rebel in me that dares to be different. And somehow in times like these, you draw comfort from the Jesus who was counter-culture. The Jesus who in being different not only touched individual lives but transformed the world. =)


Special gifts of friendships because I dared to be a different teacher ;p


This song is for a very special friend who likes it and also to tell you that I will not pang se you =)

"Solitude is not simply physical isolation. It is easy to be alone and yet continue to be in the crowd, to be governed by collective values; and it is possible to be physically in the midst of a crowd and yet to be in solitude. To be in solitude means to be in possession of my heart, my identity, my integrity. It means to refuse to let my life and my meanings be dictated by other people or by an impersonal culture. To be in solitude is to claim my birthright of aliveness on its own terms, terms that respect the life around me but do not demean my own." - Parker Palmer

There was a strange feeling of loneliness that came over me today. I could not make sense of it. Maybe it was watching Lost in Translation. Maybe it was because I felt I did not belong to YF anymore. Or that I was alone the whole morning in an ulu cafe reading and waiting for my brother. Actually, I thought it may be because in one day, 2 things that have occupied my time and mind a lot were gone just like that. Then I realise how maybe for many of us, work is a form of escape. An escape from the loneliness that plagues and confronts us. Instinctively, when I felt lonely, I wanted to do work to occupy myself. But work while good in itself is only a temporary and less than perfect therapy. I dare say there is only one cure for loneliness.

I actually think that part of the reason why I feel the sense of loneliness, something that has not been around pretty much lately, was because I have not really been in solitude. Somehow, when you lose a sense of the anchor of your life, feel like you are just being driven by the waves, heading nowhere. And I think that was how I felt. I have for some time, been so distracted by people and work in my life. While that really does occupy us for a while and in that period of occupation, we forget our loneliness, that also robs us of our center of quiet, where there is serenity and security.

And so, as I sat there watching Lost in Translation and feeling the loneliness of the characters, I just uttered to God, "I feel lonely." In that instance, it was as if God was sitting right next to me and saying, "Yes, my child, I know." And those words brought with them such a calm assurance and security that heals the lonely heart. That sense that I am not actually lonely when God has been right here all these while. If only I was more aware and sensitive to that truth. Thank You Lord for always putting your arms around me when I least expect it and most need it.

On a separate note, I just realised lately to my great surprise that this blog actually has a pretty high readership. And sadly, that kind of hindered me in some ways. And I am glad one of students challenged me to disregard who reads it. I want to guard this space that is mine and this opportunity for me to express all of me. So thanks for taking time to read and I hope as I continue to be real and transparent through this blog that you may somehow be blessed. =)


Maybe solitude is like this picture. It is enjoying the presence of Someone without the need for words or actions. Just simple being.

I was just talking to my brother about his dilemma about what to choose in army. Or whether to get out of it. And he was being really honest about the struggles and pride involved. I am not surprised. I mean this is something that plagues all of life. There are actually many options in our lives that society will frown upon. Rosemary and I were talking about how are parents are too pragmatic sometimes and I wish they will see that there is a greater reality than just what this society tells us.

And as I reflected on what bro was saying, out came these words of wisdom that I often am amazed can actually come out of my mouth. I guess I am convinced that sometimes we are really God's mouthpiece. =) I said sometimes the society needs people who have enough courage to go against the flow and that when we stand alone against the tide, it is easy to get overwhelmed. But when more of us stand together, the current weakens because we challenge it. This society needs more people who dares to be different and question what it values and prize. Yet, I think we do not need to go against the flow for the sake of being different. That in itself can be a problem. Maybe we need to be like William Wilberforce to discern the times and God's calling for us as individuals and as a community. If he had gone with the flow, we would still have slaves today. And William Wilberforce did not fight alone. I am sure. So this is our inspiration and our comfort.

One student mentioned that seeing me make tough choices to be different has inspired them to want to be just as courageous. I never dreamed that I will have such an effect on people. And that made me realise that while we innately want to be dare to dream and dare to be different, we are waiting for someone who will give us that last nudge and inspiration to do likewise. Someone who has first taken the step of courage. Someone in whose footsteps we can follow. So may we continue to leave behind us footprints of honor, courage, love and truth for people to follow. =)

This entire day was spent in NP office all alone doing admin work. And for some strange reason, I was telling God that I actually enjoy it. I guess work is really therapeutic and somehow lifts one out of feelings of nostalgia and lethargy. Or maybe I was just deriving pleasure from eventually knowing how my students fare and being so thankful for their grades. I was truly very glad to see how all their hard work paid off. Of course for those whom I knew worked hard. And I cannot wait for some of them to receive their results. =)

The very funny notsofunnians =)

This has been a special semester. I am not sure if another one of this will come along my way again. God has given me the real delight in teaching them and befriending them. I am truly thankful to say that at the end of this semester, most of them have become my friends and vice versa I hope. And towards the end of the semester, some of them have said things that touched my heart and made me see how what I do is worth it. And I shall share some of these not as a means to reflect how successful I am, but how God has worked so amazingly despite me.

One student surprised me yesterday by saying "You're really someone alot alot alot alot alot alot of people look up to" That kinda left me stunned. Maybe because it came from someone I thought hated my guts and could never stop trying to trap me at my words. =) And then he said, "just remember that we've got your back." Maybe deep within every girl is a need for protection. And when I think about how a whole batch of students are watching my back, I felt so blessed. I will not trade that for anything else. Not all the wealth, or fame, or power or prestige. I am content with being a simple teacher who touches lives. And those words really mean a lot, especially at a time when I am wondering what's next in my life. Thank you my dear students. Your love, your friendship and "just you" mean a lot.

Whatever was left of the most hardworking class

So I had a really great time with so many of them over on Wednesday. Just the hanging out and letting them catch a glimpse of my life was good. But one thing I always hope for is that they may see not only what's in my life but WHO is in life. Because it is HE that makes all the difference in my life and make me who I am. It is HE who gives me something to live for, fight for and die for. Maybe this is a process. And maybe they will see more of HIM when they see more of me. Actually, in all the recent busyness, I really miss having extended time alone with God. I miss going for walks and blading and praying.

My colleague Kenneth once said that the students are really very adorable and the best thing about teaching is when they allow you into their lives. I cannot agree less. And one of the greatest joys about being in NP with this bunch of crazy kids, is that I get to be me and somehow enter into their lives. For those who let me in to parts of your life, I am truly honoured and appreciate it. As I've said, because they give me the joy of seeing a beautiful and unique story.

Where the most distracted boys and guai girls are

So Rosemary asked me whether I could give all this up and return to practice. I guess I won't have to give it up. Because I don't know if every semester and every batch of students will be as dear to me. Besides, I certainly have no plans of walking out of their lives as long as they still welcome me around. And I am not sure how many more semesters I can last with such intensity of relationship. If there is anything I have learnt, it is that I cannot be superwoman and I cannot change the world however much I wanted to. So, I am contented with what I am given for now. Indeed, we both lament that there are so many people in the world we need to care for and reach out with the love of Christ. But we do not have all the time and energy in the world. So for those of you whom I make time for (and you are probably the same people who make time to read my blog), I hope you realise that means you are really dear to me. =)

21 Feb is also a day I got to pamper people. I think I am a weird girl. I actually derive more pleasure from pampering others than being myself pampered. Maybe this is a defense mechanism to prevent disappointment from being neglected. So I channel all my energy to caring for others. Sometimes, I think God has given me too much love that I can't help but share. Or maybe this is what it means that love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost? And I was glad I could brighten someone's day and become a messenger of love and hope. But I think I expected more. On my way home, I felt so helpless suddenly. Because I have exhausted all my ideas and means to making a difference. I still fell short. Maybe God wants me to come to an end of myself and start praying and trusting that it is His work and His alone. I said I would do whatever it takes, but even that is not good enough. I know. Just because I am not God. I cannot help someone or give him strength to be or do anything. So finally, I will try on my knees.


Suddenly I feel tired. Or spent. Maybe because we only love when we receive love. And maybe I am exhausting myself because I have not really been drawing my the fountain of life and love. I suppose that is why that feeling of nostalgia just came over when all my students left my place after an intensive 24 hours. Haha, woman are so hard to make sense of. I am still having difficulties with it. =) Ok, I shall go rest my tired body and heart in Him.


I am after all a silly and hopeless romantic.. So I will still be around to be watch over you, like an angel in disguise..

Every now and then, I will like to pop by the little pond at my house to take a look at Fin. I like seeing him swim and try to hide away everytime someone comes along. I will go check on him to make sure he is well and all. And ever so often, I will notice when he is not doing too well and then do what I can to restore him to health. A couple of times, I had to isolate him in a goldfish bowl just to watch him recover. And I think it was in such times that we grew closer. One time, when he was so ill with rotten fins and tail and hiding from the other fishes, I had to keep him in my room for weeks. And with that, I had the pleasure of nursing him and slowly watching him recover before putting him back into the pond. When he was sick, I spent so much time doing my research on the net to find ways to cure him. I will even pray for his recovery.

Yes, you probably would have guessed that Fin is my pet goldfish. And now, Fin is dead. =(


It happened to quickly. I have been really busy the past few days and have not even had the time to pop by the pond. Today, finally when I was freer, I went to the pond. But I could not find Fin. When I finally gave up and asked mom about it, she told me Fin had already died for 2 days with this other fish that fell sick due to the contaminated water. It took a while for the reality to sink in. And a longer time for me to realise how I have grown attached to him and how I will miss him. I will miss the pleasure of going to the pond and see him swimming healthily and trying to detect if he has grown at all. I will miss nursing him when he is unwell. But most of all, I am saddened by the fact that one of a pair has died. Fin was bought together with this other fish. My dear friend and I kept one each. They looked alike other than the orange fins that Fin had. That explains his name. And I was all determined to keep Fin alive and maybe one day, both fishes can meet again. Gingko will probably never miss Fin. But I'd just imagine that one is lonely without the other. Or maybe it's just me.


Part of what makes losing Fin so difficult...

But Fin's death made me think about many things. I guess a sense of loss is always difficult because love and attachment grow over time. That is what makes separation painful. Loss in itself is not painful. It is losing something or someone dear and loved that makes it painful.

Fin also taught me to see in him the beauty of God's work. Indeed, as Chris Tomlin rightly puts it "every creature unique in the song that it sings". When we were singing it at Law Sunset Prayer today and I looked at the sky and trees and birds, I see again how God made each unique to sing its own song of worship. And if this was true of animals and plants, how much more of people. Each person is marked by the hand of God with his/her uniqueness and beauty. Each have a story and in their story is ultimately a declaration of their great Creator, even if they themselves are not aware of it. This struck me also when on Fri, I bumped into one of my students at the bus stop. Our buses took really long to come and so we had a good chat - about studies, about life and about friends. And I realise that as I listened to him, every single person has a story. And part of ministry involves being able to hear their stories and seeing God's story weaved into it. Seeing the hand of God working in every aspect of each individual lives. And I guess that's what makes me enjoy teaching and interacting with my students. Because I refused to be a teacher who just see my students in terms of class. To me, they are persons. They are unique individuals, each with a story that I hope some day I can see and hear, and worship their Creator through.

Losing Fin also made me feel a little of our Father's heart. I realise that if it made me so sad to lose Fin, how much more it must break our Father's heart to lose any of His children. That must be why over and over again we see in the Bible that God desires that none should perish. That must be why He gave up His Son, that He might woo us back Home.

Indeed, I have grown to love Fin. But that is merely a pale reflection of our Maker's love for His beloved creatures, His beloved children.

Just recently, I have once again been presented with options. I used to think that the point of graduation was a major crossroad of our lives and that once we have made our choice then, we are settled. But I cannot be more wrong. For with every path we take, there will be more crossroads down the road and sometimes increasing difficult to make a choice on. Not to mention, oftentimes, the road we have not chosen may keep presenting itself before us again. And I think that is my problem. I hate making decisions and yet somehow, I think our good Lord wants us to learn to do so and seek to mature us in the process. And so often I hear of people who want to be spared the trial of making decisions and wish for God to just decide on our behalf. The Father I know does not seem to do that, especially if He wants His kids to grow.

And so, once again, I am back at a place of options and sometimes the pressures or the circumstances cloud my perspective on things. Recently, I had a little tension with my dad. But I realise later that I probably was upset not because of that one incident but that it was an accumulation of all these year and half of him expressing his displeasure about me not being a lawyer. As I was walking out of my house, I was close to tears. Because I wondered, what did I do wrong? My wrong was that I went to Law School. If I was in any other faculty, he probably wouldn't have considered teaching and staff work "downgrading".


And my dad's displeasure was not the only thing making this road harder to travel. I had to deal with my own temptations and struggles. I cannot pretend to be completely noble and unaffected when I meet old friends and see how they are all buying houses, some cars, and hearing about their bonuses or potential pay increment. When I first started out in staff work, it was just a 50% pay cut. I do not even allow myself to think what I could have been earning now after a year or so of practice. I can never give to my family in increasing amounts just because the pay never goes up. And I have to resist the temptation to take up more hours in NP because I fear it will compromise what I truly value in my work in VCF and in NP. So it's tough. And worse than being tough is that it feels alone. I look around and I am not sure I can find someone who understands.

One fine day, I decided again to check out Regent College. Must be because I met Paul Stevens again. =) And I did my sums and realise that I need at least $100k to do my MDiv in Regent. If there is one wish I really want fulfilled, it's to go to Regent to do my MDiv. But when I found out the costs, my heart sank. I knew there was no way I will get to go. All the conventional ways people generally go by (e.g. church support, scholarship etc) all do not seem quite possible for me. Besides, going to study theology is to me purely an interest. It is not a means to an end. I may not definitely become a missionary or pastor or anything after that. So who in the world will ever sponsor me? So I thought that maybe the only way was for me to practice law for 3-5 years and save up for studies. After all, that is not unbiblical. Paul worked that he may not be a burden to others.

But a couple of days later, I was at the Law VCF Faculty Gathering. Nelson ended with the song "How deep the Father's love" and he invited everyone to surrender to the Lord their burdens. I didn't think I had any burdens. I was after all really happy with my life and work now. But the Lord brought these to mind. And I teared. Because in all my worries, I had forgotten how truly and deeply my Father loves me. He gave His son to make me a wretch, not his servant but His treasure. And as we sang, I had that very moving assurance that God knows. He knows my dreams, my desires, my fears. He knows me. And I think God wanted me to remember that He knows.

I think our Father don't usually just give a one-off message and leave us to sort things out. God will keep pursuing me until I get it. And today, at class at BGST, an ex-VCFer and someone rather familiar me was invited to come share. He is Dr Tan Lai Yong. I always remembered what Lai Yong once said. That before he decided to serve God in missions, he imagined this scenario. That one day, he will be driving his old secondhand car and come to junction where he will stop at the red lights. And lo, he will notice this lovely luxurios BM or Lexus stopped right next to him. He will look and realise that the driver is his ex-classmate. They will wind down their windows, exchange a few words and then drive off when the light turns green. And when that happens, he must remember that it is worth it. So today, when Lai Yong came, I once again received an unexpected affirmation from his sharing. He did not deny that it was tough. He did not hide the fact that he was in tears when their plane arrived at China and then he sees it depart for Singapore. And in his honesty, I broke down. Because in my heart, I knew someone understands. I knew that I am not alone. I knew that I am counted among many others who count all things rubbish compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ and living for Him.

Lai Yong shared from Psalm 131. A very simple and lovely Psalm. One of my personal favourites too. And he added new meaning to my understanding of being a weaned child. It was a baby about 4-6 months old and almost ready for solid food. But he said a weaned child will never crave for that as much as the security she gets from resting in her mother's bosom. And I think the secret to him hanging on is to be like a weaned child. "I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me." (Psalm 131:1,2)


So dear Lord, let me always live in stillness as a weaned child in your bosom. Only there do I truly rest.


Turn my eyes upon Jesus, because at the cross, I know my Father truly understands

Today was the last day of school for me officially. You have no idea how sad I actually am. The last day of school is also my last chance to address my students as a whole. This is my 3rd semester in NP and I think what I said today was the most moving of all 3. My voice actually broke. Haha. But I really appreciated my students and found it such a joy to teach them and interact with them over the past few months. Most of them have left with me very sweet memories and a sweet gift. Maybe not too sweet. It was after all a stolen rock from the school library. =) But what was sweet was all their names on it and the "we love you". And it was hilarious when they got the most playful boy in class to present it to me in the most serious tone. Hahaha. Man, I actually really love my students.

But as I was basking in the joy of being loved and appreciated by my students and enjoying the pleasure of friendship with them, I also realised that it is still all about me. So quickly, but for the gentle reminder from God, did I forget that these were all a result of my prayers (and I believe others who prayed) which God was answering. So quickly did I slip into thinking what a good teacher I am. When will I realise that is all "but for" God. (Got the pun ;p) But for God's gift of love that transformed my life, I will never imagine myself doing what I do now. The kind of teacher I am is also but for God! I live and teach for God!

This reminded me of what Paul Stevens talked about in class a couple of days back. He quoted someone who talked about all humans struggling with 3 needs - the need to be needed, the need for approval and the need to be in control. And I think for me, while all 3 are true of myself, the need for approval is my Archilles heel. Perhaps because I always thought I never had the approval of my parents, I now crave all the more for approval from people. That is partly why it means so much to me that my students like me. While I know truly that God's approval of me has been secured in Christ, I nonetheless seek that in others.

And the painful realisation that this is still my weakness came really just a month back. Indeed, in the sorest trials God often makes the sweetest discoveries of Himself and ourselves. Just exactly a month back, some misunderstanding caused someone to dislike me and stopped people around her from hanging out with me. It was so painful, I took weeks to recover from it. And I am not sure I really have. It actually shook my world to realise that someone did not like me. I have lost someone's approval (it was not even really someone extremely important to me). And when I reflected upon my reaction to the whole situation, God really opened my eyes to see how needy I am for approval. And that may very often become a stumbling block in my work and ministry. My need for approval may cause me to shortchange what God would have me do or be.

Will I ever overcome the need for approval? Maybe the truth is that this will be a struggle of a life-time, taking different forms and in different context. What then? I reckon it is to keep on surrendering the need - for approval, to be in control or to needed. God alone can make something beautiful out of it. As long as we do not cease to struggle.

I am currently taking a course at BGST on Spirituality and work by Paul Stevens and am thoroughly blessed by it. I am thankful because apart from being personally challenged by the lectures, it also provides for me a platform to reflect biblically and prayerfully about my work. If you have asked me about my life and work, you will probably hear me telling you how truly I am enjoying it. Again and again, I feel this huge contentment with my current station in life. And I really love meeting my students.


Paul Stevens - A teacher and a friend

This Wednesday will be my last lecture with them. I always end the semester with feelings of nostalgia. And I will always prepare a speech for my students before they happily pass their modules and move on. This year, I want to tell my students how much I love them. A lot of them have asked me why I am a teacher instead of a lawyer. This is always a platform for me to tell them I work with Christian students in NUS. Though, they don't usually follow up on that. But today, I was wondering while no one ever asked me why I am STILL teaching. Because I will tell them they are the reasons I am still teaching. Yes, I am here still because I trust this is God's call for me at this moment. But it is my interaction with my students that keep me passionate for my work. Because in each of them, they provide for me a context to see and know my God more. They provide for me an opportunity to present my God who is real. This may not always mean for me an opportunity to 'tell' them the gospel. But in my desire to see them as special and beloved individuals in the eyes of God, I see how much God loves them. I see how much they need God. I see how maybe I am in a small way, their bridge to catching glimpses of God.

But my work is not as lovely a picture as I would like it to be. Because in my work, I also see myself. I see my getting frustrated and impatient when my students don't get it after I have said and explain something a million times. I see how sometimes in the way I teach, I impart the very value I hated about the education system - that they just have to pass their module. I see how sometimes, they become my means of competition, how they prove how good a teacher I am. I see how they can sometimes be to me, my source of approval and affirmation causing me to elevate myself and consequently hide the glory of God - the very thing I wanted to reflect. But I am glad God has shown these to me. I am glad that with each batch of students, I am given the opportunity to learn, to grow and to even make mistakes. I want to be more than a teacher, I want to be a friend, an inspiration, an example. But most of all, I want to be signpost. I want them to see Jesus - real and living in me.