It's been a long time since I last wrote and I have been inspired lately to think about TIME. Probably because it's been a month since I left New York, another long and painful 3 months before I will next see him; or because I just watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons" and a theme that came forth strongly was "time"; or because I have lately been struck by how I failed to seize the time and share or talk more to an uncle who just passed away due to suicide. All that has been happening in the last month or so made me wonder a lot about time.

Since returning from the States, I really took a while to recover emotionally and come to terms with being back. The whole hurry of life flooded in and almost drowned me. Something I was not used to, at least not during the 3 weeks of traveling and enjoying the time spent with someone and people I love. But it got progressively difficult when I struggled a lot with missing him. It got me started on my "countdown to Nelson's return" program. Still later, it became rather unhealthy. It made me upset every other time we talk that he is miles away, living in a different time zone and basically not physically present when I needed him to be. That was probably the start of things becoming emotionally challenging.

I resented the fact that we have to live with this time apart. Every bit of my rational mind tells me this is good and God has ordained a time as this to strengthen us. But every bit of my heart scorns at that and wish that it did not have to be so difficult. So much of my thoughts of the relationship centered around the past (the times we enjoyed at the States) and the future (when he eventually returns). But it was not long before God had to stop me and made me rethink.

One was through the untimely death of an uncle of mine. He has been suffering for depression for years and just during Chinese New Year, he took his life. I was rather shakened by it and I remember crying as I was telling Nel about yet another person I know who has entered into a Christless eternity. I thought a lot about why I did not seize the opportunities that I had to talk to him or just to show him some care. I thought about how I took him for granted and just somehow expected him to do well. I thought again about the meaning of carpe diem. I wished I had known better what to do with the TIME I had with him.

Another was the excellent movie "The curious case of Benjamin Buttons". To avoid being a spoiler, it shall suffice to say that it made me think about time and the preciousness of the present moment. Even if time really can be turned back and we really can grow younger, it does not change the truth that we still live in the present moment and we live it to its best, to seize the day.

And that reminded me of the wise words of CS Lewis that left such an impression in my life.
"The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which our Enemy has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them. He would therefore have them continually concerned either with eternity (which means being concerned with Him) or with the Present—either meditating on their eternal union with, or separation from, Himself, or else obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure.
Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present. With this in view, we sometimes tempt a human (say a widow or a scholar) to live in the Past. But this is of limited value, for they have some real knowledge of the past and it has a determinate nature and, to that extent, resembles eternity. It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time—for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays. Hence the encouragement we have given to all those schemes of thought such as Creative Evolution, Scientific Humanism, or
Communism, which fix men's affections on the Future, on the very core of temporality. Hence nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead. Do not think lust an exception. When the present pleasure arrives, the sin (which alone interests us) is already over. The pleasure is just the part of the process which we regret and would exclude if we could do so without losing the sin; it is the part contributed by the Enemy, and therefore experienced in a Present. The sin, which is our contribution, looked forward."
- CS Lewis, Screwtape Letters (context: Of a senior devil counseling his junior nephew devil how to deal with his human object)

Indeed, how true it is that the Past and the Future ever so often cripples us or distracts us. And when I choose to spend my present moment living in the past or worrying or pining for the future, it is one precious moment wasted on what has no value. In the same degree, all my energy spent on missing the days past and yearning for the days to come means there is little of me left to enjoy the present moment with the one I love. He no longer has all of my heart and attention to enjoy the present joy of talking to him. And so God gave me a very sobering reminder that I have fallen for the very traps sin and the devil has laid for me.

In the same fashion, I believe God longs for us to enjoy the present moment of walking with Him. When we waste too much time wishing that things were like the good old days when we were young and full of passion for Him, or when we spend the energies worrying about what the future holds, God is looking gently at us and say, "My child, I am here in the now."

I have become convicted lately that that is what Sabbath is about and what Sabbath does. Sabbath forces me to stop working and stop worrying and to take time to smell the roses (or Lilies & Jasmines which I very much prefer ;p). Sabbath forces us to rethink what time really means and how the present (a gift from God, pun intended ;p) is to be lived. Sabbath

May the Lord give us present grace to live the present life in a pleasant way for His eternal glory.



Steven Curtis Chapman - Miracle Of The Moment
From the album This Moment (Dear, thanks for the very lovely gift - It's a CD that has blessed me tremendously)

It’s time for letting go
All of our if only’s
‘Cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

Chorus:
So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment

There’s only one who knows
What’s really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go
Listen to your heartbeat

Some glimpses of the special moments...

Awe-inspiring Grand Canyon that makes you feel the vastness of God's world


Serving the homeless together joyfully


Unforgettable ice-skating at Central Park when I saw real snow in flakes for the first time


Sweet fellowship with my spiritual parents


Niagara Falls - the place & time where every moment onwards is now different & wonderful

I just got back from a long day of work. It's again one of those days when I "work" from 9 am to midnight. "Work" because sometimes my work is so enjoyable I am not sure it feels like work. This week has been plagued with late nights and yet God strengthened me for the right times. Maybe a bit too much sometimes cos I tend not to be able to get to sleep. But the theme of this week seems to be on "mistake".

I met a friend who was having relationships problems. And her boyfriend said something to the effect that God wouldn't let us get together to break us up. That statement struck me. I could not disagree more. I guess the not so Calvinist (sorry if you are offended) part of me am upset that people attribute everything to God's work to the extent that we no longer bear the responsibility of our own mistakes. Why could it not have been that for my friend, being in a relationship was a mistake in the first place? Did the fact that it happened meant that God wanted it to?? Maybe sometimes we fear having to admit to mistakes. Because we live in a world where people cannot tolerate mistakes or that we cannot bear with the consequences of our mistakes. Yet, to shove all the responsibility on God is not only bad theology but irresponsible one.

This is where I think when Christians present to others the reality that God is sovereign, we paint an incomplete picture that causes the instinctive response or question "If God is sovereign, why is there so much suffering?"

I will not attempt to answer that question, suffice to say that I think when we ask that question, we often overlook the reality of sin and its consequences on the world. If God is sovereign, can I make mistakes? Of course! Because I sin. Because I am a sinner. Surely sinners make mistakes. And so I think however much I believe God is sovereign, I know I can still act outside of His will and sin against Him.

How then does God look upon mistakes? Does he just look helplessly at them and shakes His head or shrug His shoulders? Surely you would agree with me that it will be quite incompatible with our understanding of God. I don't think He does. That leads me to my second encounter with mistakes. Lately, I have had to confront certain mistakes I have made in my life. I may consider them big mistakes because they affect others, they brought pain and hurt to people I care about. With the best of intentions (if that is even possible), I have hurt people with my mistakes. And I carry with it the guilt of having cause hurt to others. I wondered if I will ever be able to move on from my mistakes.

But I think guilt that weighs us down are not from God. Godly sorrow leads to repentance and repentance leads us to forgiveness and liberty. Christ had died not only to free us from the wages and consequences of sin but also the guilt of it. There is now no condemnation. And for all the mistakes we have made, God redeems it and has the power to make something beautiful out of it. It is quite hard to see how God can and has redeemed my mistakes but when I take a different perspective and see the mistakes that others have made towards me, I see something quite different. I rejoice that some of these mistakes have been made because but for the pain and hurt I had suffered, I would not be the person that I am today. And I reckon God had been using these events in my life to shape and mold me in Christ-likeness. I think we should all be changing, from glory into glory, in conformity with the image of God.

That really brought about a paradigm shift. These people who have wronged me or hurt me probably never expected it to become a blessing in the end. But that's because it is not their job to make good their mistakes. It was God's work. And I think part of moving on from mistakes is to exercise faith that God can and has to be the one to right the wrong. The more I meddle with it, the messier things get. So while a sovereign God does not cause us to make mistakes, we make them and God clears the mess.

I guess having such a perspective of mistakes in life allows me the grace and faith to allow others to make mistakes as well. I've learnt that much of being a staffworker requires that stance. I told Lester today that I believe in student initiative not because it is a FES's sacred cow but because I believe that God works through students. And a part of letting God do His work among students is to let them have the room and freedom to make mistakes. Because I have learnt much from mistakes, I think God's grace is big enough to encompass and redeem these mistakes. Trusting the students necessitates letting them make mistakes. And I thank God that I do not have to be God and redeem all these mistakes. He has been all these years I have been a staffworker and I have more than enough confidence that He will continue to.

To end off my reflection, I love the analogy of the amateur painter. As we are learning the art of painting, we probably make a mess out of things. Wrong colors, wrong shapes, wrong proportion. So many things can go wrong. But when the Master Painter comes along, He will take over and touch up a bit here and there and suddenly there you have it - a lovely piece of art! The best artists are able to incorporate all the bad starts into the final work and it will look at flawless as if He was the one painting it all along. And I think our Abba Father is like the Master Painter - only more able and more loving. =)

I have recently done something I am amazed I had the courage to do. I tendered my resignation from Ngee Ann Poly. If you have been in touch with me, you will know that I absolutely love teaching. Not only do I get to teach a subject I enjoy and help students understand their world a little better, I have been so blessed by my interactions with these students. They have been God’s instruments in keeping me sane amidst the crazy busyness in my life. They bring such joy and frustrations, laughter and heartaches. They have been a piece in a jigsaw puzzle that helps me make better sense of my life in God’s world.


One of my classes in the last batch that makes me sigh as much as they make me laugh.

Teaching in Ngee Ann has opened up my eyes to see the brokenness and needs of this world. So many students have come to me and shared their troubles, their brokenness, their fears, their loneliness. In each of their eyes, I see a story. And the best thing about my job is the opportunity to see how their story fits into God’s grand story of the world and how God has a message of hope and life for them.

Teaching in Ngee Ann has also opened to many doors for me to help these young students see a ray of hope in someone and Someone who sees them as unique and precious and believe in the reason for their existence.


Teaching in Ngee Ann has helped me learn that one person can make a difference. One teacher who bothers to listen to one student, one teacher who reaches out in acceptance of one student, one teacher who believers her student’s worth is not measured by his grades. Maybe one person cannot change the world. But imagine if there are 10 such persons, 100 persons. Imagine if every single Christian is living a life that impacts their corner of the world. Then maybe we can see what Jesus taught us to pray for “Thy Kingdom come”. God may not have called of us to be William Wilberforce or Martin Luther King. But God has called me to be a faithful Jasmine, and in so being, the world is changing and God alone sees.

Clearly it was very painful for me to leave teaching. But I believe it is also a necessary step of faith as God leads me into a new chapter of my life. I believe I need to return to legal practice to appreciate what it really means for me to be a Christian lawyer who is counter-culture. I also am using this decision to honour my parents who have waiting for this day. I have sent in my application to be a part-time practitioner in a local firm. I trust that God who calls will open the doors. What I lack and need is faith to step through.


The very funny notsofunnians. I will miss them most.

I am really looking forward to Christmas. Other than it being my favorite season of the year, with the nice cool weather and the Christmas shopping and giving and receiving of gifts, it is also a time of rest and spending time with people you love. This year, it is no exception, I was looking forward to this Christmas period and welcome it with much delight.

That led me to think whether people in the past looked forward to Christmas—not just 25 Dec but the birth of Christ. One Christmas carol touched me with the words— “Long laid the world, in sin and error pining”. It is probably without a doubt that the people of Israel were looking forward to Christ. They were eagerly waiting deliverance and liberation from their promised Messiah. But I think that the rest of the world, without necessarily knowing it, is also pining for Christmas. Why? Because without the hope of Christmas, this world does not make sense. If we have been aware for long enough, we will realize that this world in itself gives us little to hope for. A world of brokenness and sin, a world of darkness and injustice. If we fail to see it, may I be so bold to suggest that it means you are not looking. Your world is very small. Made up of your own interests, your friends and family. Beyond our comfortable world lies a world that it trapped in sin and suffering. Beyond our world is a world of wars, hungers, famines, poor and oppressed.

Perhaps Christmas is only really attractive to those who are not comfortable in this world. To those who have much to hope for. For those who are pining for something better, for the coming of a new kingdom. That is what makes the good news good news. Christ’s coming to the world is good news only to those who want to see change.

The truth is, Christ did come. Emmanuel, God is indeed with us. The joy of the festive season will pass us by ever so quickly. Christmas celebrations will come and will go. All too soon, we will have to return to the mundane activities of life and get by. But that is tragic isn’t it? Because the truth of the coming of Christ did not truly fill us with the ecstasy of knowing HOPE for the world and for us. Because Christ’s coming did not altogether radically change the world we are in. Because much like the wise men of the East, we have presented our gifts and gone home. Instead may we be like the shepherds, upon returning, to continue in a state of glorifying and praising God.

This Christmas season may again be for you what its name suggest– just a season. But it need not be. If the glorious truth of Christmas strikes out heart and transforms our lives, we can end the Christmas celebrations with more celebrations—celebrating the awesome truth that God has, is and will be dwelling among men. And with that, continually look forward to the day when Christ comes– again.


Dad's 55th Birthday on 5 Dec


Compare and contrast


VCF Annual Teach-In Conference 2007


Being fed in all senses at Anntic


My adorable cousins who visited from Australia


Cousin Power

In the light of the many recent premature departures of friends, loved ones, and even strangers, I think this quote is a very timely reminder. May we all start considering what is it that really matters? To thank God that we are alive.

There is such a thing as taking ourselves and the world too seriously,
or at any rate too anxiously. Half of the secular unrest and dismal,
profane sadness of modern society comes from the vain idea that every
man is bound to be a critic of life, and to let no day pass without
finding some fault with the general order of things, or projecting some
plan for its general improvement. And the other half comes from the
greedy notion that a man's life does consist, after all, in the
abundance of things that he possesseth, and that it is, somehow or
other, more respectable and pious to be always at work trying to make a
larger living, than it is to lie on your back in the green pastures and
beside the still waters, and thank God that you are alive.

Henry Van Dyke


p.s. The streets of heaven are said to be paved with gold ;p

By my best friend in loving memory of Serene:

You are gone,
and we won’t know what to think.
When we see your empty desk
tomorrow.
What will we feel in the
space, where you laughed,
you whined, you cried, you
lived?

You are gone,
and I don’t know what they’ll think.
When I see the empty grave
everyday,
I will remember your lovely
face, with him, where you laugh
and sing and grin and
live.

You are there,
caught up, in his light, in the air:
you are there.

It is extremely difficult in a time like this to write a post. But this is really long overdue and since God has placed it upon my heart for some time, I should get down to it. Lately, I have been thinking about how one person can make a huge difference. I think while most of us accept rationally this to be true, we never quite think we, as an individual, can make any difference.

It started with me chatting with a friend about global warming and how if each person will make a choice to make some sacrifices or suffer some inconveniences. And I believe if that were to happen, it can shape the world.

Then I went to play basketball one Sunday afternoon at CCAB. Another group of people asked to play against us. One of their players was rather arrogant and marked every one of his moves, whether he caught the ball or shot or passed, with vulgarities. And the worst part was when the game was over and someone asked where he was headed, he said he was going to church. When I firt saw the cross hanging on his neck, I thought it was just decorative (as is the case with many young people today). And one of my friends who is very skeptical about Christian religiousity said, "there you go, does it make any difference whether one goes to church?"

Then I started thinking about the ONE persons who shaped the world and made all the difference. How William Wilberforce inspired me with his battle against slave trade. Yet how one Hitler can cause the death of so many Jews. One person really can make a difference.

But the most painful way I came to realise this was when I received news of my friend passing away today while at labour. My heart is still heavy as I write this. But I know I have to give the message of hope. When I first heard the news, I was just shocked. But when I settled down and thought about this sister, I had regrets. I regretted letting her just pass me by last sunday when I saw her. I regretted taking her presence for granted. I regretted not having smiled at her more or talked to her more.

But I also thought about her life. I thought about her simple faithfulness. She has been a Sunday School teacher for years. And it just dawned on me how tiring it must be for a school teacher to be teaching even on Sundays. But she remained faithful even when she was carrying a 2nd child and having a daughter running around. And though she strikes many of her students as a stern teacher, I found in her a kind of gentleness and love for her students. I mean that must be what kept her in teaching for so many years. Once again, I realise one person does make a difference.

I told a dear friend that God does speak through one's life and one's death. And I think this time, He spoke to many people around me through the sudden death of this sister. When we are faced with the fragility of life, many things get placed in perspective. And so it struck me that this one lady, one sister, one friend made a difference in this world with the time God has given her. She may have left the world without knowing this. But what brings hope is also the assurance that when I meet her again, I can tell her this. And we will have all eternity making up for the lost opportunities to get to know her better.

So it is true. All you need is ONE is not just some tagline. One person can make a difference. The only question is what kind of difference do you want to make? What kind of impact do you leave with the lives you live? May this question be answered before we no longer have the opportunity to. I thank God for Serene because her one life has touched others.

Today, I finally caught Freedom Writers and of course, under the most ideal circumstances - with my students. I mean, I thought it was really cool to watch a show like that with my students. And in my mind, I was thinking I shall definitely get my dad to catch this movie. Maybe then he will get an idea of what I am doing and why I am "wasting" my life in teaching.


But I love the movie also because it was once again inspiring. I thank God that with every new semester, I have something like this to remind me why I do what I do. Because when the going gets tough, it is easy to forget. But I agreed with Erin Gruwell. I do not know if I can make such an impact with every batch of students that comes along. For the sem that just past, some of these students have become my friends and maybe family (right brother ;p). Yet, I know I cannot expect every semester to be like that. I can only trust that God will give me such gifts of friendships at His appropriate time and ways.


Once again, I see in the movie what people need. People need hope. Maybe it was more apparent in the ghettos of America, amidst the violence and racial wars. But I believe here in Singapore, the young people need hope too. They need a reason to keep on living and keep on fighting. And every person needs to know that they are unique and they are special. And every person wants to be remembered when they die. And my dream in being a teacher is to be a bearer of that message of hope. But I know full well that that cannot be segregate from God. For the source of my hope, I believe, can and will also be the source of hope for others. At least for me, I have tried and found no other way. No other reason to keep on and living and fighting safe for the One who is worth it all.

Recently, something has saddened me quite a bit. A few occassions that happened around the same time, made me ashamed that Christians are not quite reflecting God. I was disappointed because I felt that I could not see Jesus through the lives of Christians or through so called evangelistic meetings. But just as I was quick to spot all the specks in others, God was also quick to alert me to the plank of my own eyes. I think people around me, maybe especially my family and dad does not see Jesus in me. All he probably sees is an impatient irritable young girl who does not have the patience to hold a proper conversation with him. I hide the glory of my good Lord with my own ugliness.

At the staff retreat just a week back, I remember someone talking about becoming transformed into the image of Jesus. And that's when His character and beauty and glory becomes so apparent in us that people actually want to worship us. Of course, the idea is not that we eventually get the glory. But that we so truly and naturally allow people to see Jesus in us that they get to encounter and meet Him through us. And I suppose the incarnate Son, is what that is about. Jesus Himself said that no one has seen the Father, but he who has seen the Son has seen the Father. And I believe, he who has seen a true child of God who lives for Him, can catch glimpses of God the Father.

And so maybe we, the Church, we who call ourselves Christians have much to apologise to non believers for. We need to apologise for how we hide God as He is. We need to apologise for the many times we misrepresent Him. Maybe for many non believers, what they need to is to see beyond religion in order to truly see God. God is so real and so awesome, if only we being to see it and reflect His beauty in our lives.


BBQ with the lecture group

Celebrating birthdays in school